Hell freezes over: Tech stays open

The uncharacteristic cold caused many students to skip classes over the past two months, leaving GPAs in treacherous limbo now that the weather is warm and class attendance is on the rise. Why had it been so cold? A short journey down the river Styx held some surprising answers, including an explanation to the recent increase in the undead population.

As it turns out, hell froze over. Normally, this news would have been more prevalent, but students at Tech were busy with classes, which were not canceled. Even though meandering souls that cannot get into Hades pose a serious threat, the administration turned a blind eye.

Charon, who ferrys souls into Hades said, “You know, you have to cross the Styx to actually get into the underworld. And they are just regular rivers, so they freeze too. It’s really been causing problems. I think Management is in talks with Apollo to see if he could help us out.”

All these souls wandering around lost looking for somewhere to go have started inhabiting bodies again, making those bodies into what can only be described as living dead, affectionately dubbed ‘zombies’ by students. Although not technically zombies, it is close enough. However, unlike zombies, these locomoted corpses do not pose a serious threat. In addition to the cold, and because of it, these zombies have prevented students from attending classes, instead distracting them with weeklong exercises of tag. “I used to want to go to class, even though I knew I would probably slip and fall on ice, just to see the zombies around campus. But then it got kind of old, and since we aren’t allowed to carry, I couldn’t even shoot them. So now I just stay inside where it’s warm and play Bioshock 2 and wait for global warming to kick in,” Lovell said.