Women carry out work on a daily basis which goes unseen and unrespected by the people around them, including eldest daughters like myself. Today, more and more people recognize the unpaid and underappreciated work that women often carry out in the home. In my life, this manifests in my experience as an eldest daughter, where it can feel like I might crush under the weight of invisible expectations. This issue seems to be hardwired into society, with adults giving girls more responsibility — a job that looks more like a pseudo-caretaker — from a younger age compared to their brothers and boy cousins. The work I’ve done every day for the people around me, and the work that many eldest daughters do, often gets taken for granted.
The roots of these expectations go far beyond my specific familial role, as they are woven into the misogynistic assumptions about women that many people unconsciously harbor. Even if all eldest daughters do not relate to some version of my experience, it is worth examining how the patriarchy often stereotypes women as natural homemakers, inherently skilled at organization, time management, the execution of interior decor and much more. A person free from these assumptions might imagine it is a good thing to be assumed to be skilled at something, but unfortunately, this is far from the reality.
When a skill is assumed to be inherent to a person, they receive no support in developing it. Automatically, they are treated as failures if they do not naturally possess the “womanly” skills of homemaking and organization. Similarly, if they do have these skills, all tasks relating to them eventually become the woman’s responsibility. For many eldest daughters, these expectations can force them to act as encyclopedias for all familial matters. In my life, that means being aware of everyone’s schedules, how their responsibilities fall into these schedules, the last time the dishwasher ran, how well my younger siblings are doing in school and what my siblings might want for Christmas, all the while staying on top of all of my own responsibilities. Not only am I the curator of all of this information, but I am the place family members go when trying to come up with gift ideas or gauge how someone else in the family might be doing.
This emotional responsibility can easily become a burden. As soon as my school workload gets heavier or I’m fighting with a friend, I suddenly have a smaller capacity to carry all the extra information about everyone else floating around in my brain. This feeling can apply to anyone in a caretaking role. What once was easy to keep up just days ago can become an overwhelming stressor, only compounding one’s anxiety about whether or not they can handle all that her family or friends expect of them.
In my life, these responsibilities go beyond just keeping track of things going on around the house — I was responsible for driving my siblings to school and sports practices, holding down a part-time job, and, of course, maintaining a high GPA to get into a good college. When it came time to apply for college, I handled the application process myself, just as the people around me have expected me to handle everything else in my life. Then, when it came time for my younger siblings to apply for college, the same family that bragged about my accomplishments came running to me for advice as they did not have the vaguest idea of where to even start. This cycle is constant — not just college applications, but job applications, drivers’ licenses, shopping for business casual clothes for the first time and so much more.
Although these are personal experiences, I can assure you that countless eldest daughters have carried unseen burdens for years and have felt their work taken for granted. For me, it was knowing what my brother still needed for his college packing list, the difference between the ACT and SAT and where to find professional clothes nearby, but, for someone else, it could be making sure their siblings eat breakfast or contributing to family finances.
You may not see it unless you’re looking closely, but eldest daughters carry this burden with them wherever they go. Acknowledge their labor that often goes unnoticed — it makes a difference.