Grande Cinnamon Cookie Butter Almond Hair

According to an article published by People Magazine this August, model and social media influencer Hailey Bieber has decided to “spice up her life” — and everyone else’s — by debuting her new “cinnamon cookie butter” hair color just in time for pumpkin spice season! For those wondering what in the world “grande cinnamon cookie butter latte with cream, Splenda and oat milk in a compostable, clear cold cup” hair is, don’t worry! If you just tell your hairstylist that you’d like to dye your hair a warm brown color, you’ll receive the same results as Bieber. 

I’d like to intermission to emphasize that I have no issues with Bieber herself — seven-year-old Emily might be ugly sobbing on her bedroom floor upon discovering that she would, in fact, not be marrying Justin Bieber. However, my 20-year-old self is a casual follower, even fan, of the two. I am simply confused, yet also intrigued, by the creative genius (or ridiculousness) of her marketing team. I am choosing to believe that they are either messing with all of us or are just really, really hungry. 

Anyways, the “high protein, organic overnight chocolate oats with subtle notes of Nutella” hair color is not the first offense made by Bieber’s team. Before “cinnamon cookie butter” hair was a trend, there was “glazed donut” nails (a sheer white color), “latte” makeup (literally just brown eyeshadow), “strawberry girl” makeup (some pink blush and freckles), “tomato girl” makeup (I have no idea how this differs from the previous example), “lemon meringue” manicure (any yellow nail polish at your local Target) and even “blueberry milk” nails (any blue nail polish at your local Target). 

Even worse, the tendencies of Bieber’s team have infiltrated the rest of the Internet. As I was scrolling on TikTok last week, I encountered something deeply profane. It was none other than “cowboy copper” hair. Spoiler alert: it is just red. If you want to feel a little more niche, I’ll call it ginger or auburn, but that is as far as I’ll go. After all this, I am left wondering why everything has to sound like a Bath and Body Works candle scent. Why are we writing fanfiction titles to refer to brunette hair? Why are we using random word generators for a simple manicure? Should I start listing a Starbucks secret menu drink every time I get my hair done? 

Beyond being a silly trend to laugh at, the “lactose-free, probiotic vanilla blonde shot with an almond biscoff on the side” hair phenomenon exemplifies our desire to be a Pinterest search term or an aesthetic extension of whatever “blank-core” is trending at the moment. 

Nothing is meant to be attainable anymore. We cycle through trends so rapidly that predictors feel the need to reach or repackage normal ideas into something incredibly obscure. When this happens, people are left scrambling to achieve some new idea of beauty. Brown hair can no longer be just brown hair; instead, we are left with “cinnamon cookie butter,” “cowboy copper” or another ridiculous name the Internet conjures up. I am curious to know how much money people have spent buying these makeup products or sprinting to their hairdresser. 

Regardless, I hope that Bieber’s marketing team seriously considers going for a nice lunch break or an Erewhon trip before coming up with her next trend. If hunger is not the root cause of the issue, then I am glad they have discovered their talent for creating incredibly niche names for things. 

It is truly a gift. I think Crayola is hiring people to name their crayons; I might send her team’s applications their way.