Why we should all be lizards

Photo by Blake Israel

With the semester picking up and life kicking our collective student body in the butt, one thought has repeatedly come to mind in the moments where I despair at being born: Dr. Connors was onto something. 

For those of you thinking “I have no idea who that is”, Dr. Connors is a fictional character appearing in Marvel Comics. He becomes a large lizard humanoid who tries to turn the human population into similar creatures. And recently, I can’t help but wonder if he was as much of a villain as we make him out to be. 

Of course, the forcible element of transforming people into lizards was awful, but was his logic behind the whole ordeal so flawed? I did some thinking and I’m not so sure anymore.

One of the biggest issues humans are facing right now is the COVID-19 pandemic. It has transformed our lives and wreaked havoc across the world. Yet, there have been no reported COVID-19 cases in lizard populations.

If we were all lizards, we would not be living in these pandemic conditions, worrying about virulence and mask usage, because we would be unable to get the disease in the first place! Humans are weak and susceptible to miles of pages of illnesses; as lizards, we would no longer have this issue.

On the note of medical improvements, lizards have the ability to regrow limbs. Most of us have accidentally stepped on or run over the tail of a lizard. However, we were usually not too concerned, especially armed with the knowledge that the tail would grow back. If we as humanoid lizards had this ability, we would be extremely powerful.  

In contemporary society, we celebrate hard work and achievement in the workplace and academic environments. However, this contributes to overworking and burnout, especially at a school as rigorous as Georgia Tech. 

Becoming lizards would solve this problem due to their temperature regulation issues. If lizards are too hot or too cold, they simply cannot function. 

This phenomenon would force us to prioritize rest and spend time on self-care, since in these scenarios we would be unable to work.

Malthusianism states that since the human population grows exponentially, but food and resources grow linearly, we will eventually run out of necessities and die on a massive scale. In a lizard state, we would hardly have food scarcity due to the abundance of insects and other bugs. 

In fact, with climate change and the rise of global temperatures, many insect populations have experienced increases in population. If humans were to be lizards, we could control those populations while simultaneously having sufficient feed. 

Additionally, since lizards don’t have nearly as developed emotional capacities, we would experience less pain and irritation from friendships, family, and relationships. We most certainly would not have to deal with the complexities of hookup culture.

All of these ideas in mind, we can’t deny there are pros to being a lizard person. Who wouldn’t want the ability to regrow their limbs? Reptilian scales, instead of winter air-induced ones, would be a refreshing change to everyday life. Being a lizard would solve so many large-scale issues that humanity faces. 

Considering all the tax money the government puts towards research and development, it’s a wonder this technology has not been further explored. 

In this case, maybe Peter Parker shouldn’t have won.