From Russia with love, unless you’re gay

After training hard during the snowpocalypse weeks at Tech, I began a long, grueling trek to the 2014 Winter Olympics. Sochi was supposed to be where I finally made my mark on history. Sitting there on the plane, I could hear fame, fortune and Eastern European supermodels calling my name. Yes, I could see it: Jack Gelbe, USA, gold medal in uphill luge.

That first day, I wore bright, colorful clothing so that everyone would know that I represented the best country in the world. I prepared myself to shake hands, kiss babies and take selfies with old women.

Two days later, we were still in the plane. The country of Russia labeled my rainbow jacket as a moral security threat and prevented our plane from landing. After graphically proving my heterosexuality, I was allowed to proceed.

As we finally deplaned, I was totally shocked by the godforsaken hellscape that is Sochi. The runway was being used for bobsledding, and stray bears were being drafted as customs officers. The situation was almost as bad as the ground floor of Skiles.

The other athletes and I were moved to the Olympic Village by mule-drawn carts, and to our surprise, we were greeted by camera crews claiming that Sochi 2014 was just a cover for the filming of the newest season of Survivor.

As I entered my hotel cupboard, I found a rabid, flea-infested dog named Boris, which the hotel staff insisted was “complimentary.” I had heard horror stories about the discolored water in the bathrooms, but I was pleased to discover that I wouldn’t have to deal with this problem. The bathrooms didn’t have any water at all.

Sochi 2014 was a new high for commercial endorsement. A worldwide sports event championed McDonald’s as its official food sponsor, much to the chagrin of Burger King and Morgan Spurlock. Moreover, since Vladimir Putin sold the rights to the Olympics to BP and Audi, they altered the logo during the opening ceremony.

When the actual sporting events finally began, several athletes stepped up to contribute whatever they could to the process. NBC’s coverage of the games was entirely captured by Darya Domracheva’s iPhone. Russian secret police, however, benefited greatly from the spike in surveillance. “There was a huge increase in productivity,” said Sochi’s now-deceased head of security. “We have made literally thousands of executions within a week.”

Of course, my repeated attempts to escape from persecution and my interactions with Boris provided wonderful conditioning for my upcoming event.

As the day of my event finally arrived, I showed up, fully ready to take glory away from those Soviet schmucks, only to be told that the uphill luge isn’t a real sport. I suppose I wasn’t that surprised, but as I sit here in this jail cell, I can’t help but wonder if all of this could have been avoided if I simply competed in ice fishing instead.