How to successfully pick up your professor

Photo by Colin Ake

All right scrubs, some of you could use some help on how to slack and still succeed in picking up your professor. Mostly freshmen do, but some of you other Jackets could use a review.

For any time throughout the semester, if you are in the back row of the classroom, you’re doing it wrong. First, I’ll let you fools know what to do if you’re wondering what to do while you’re in the middle of a lecture. This should be completely obvious, but I want to see everyone succeed.

Picking up a professor is easy; it’s all about the body language that you put out. First, wait for class to end. It’s important to project confidence throughout your efforts. That’s right, kids —chest out, chin up, all of that other career fair crap.

Introduce yourself and shake their hand, but don’t let go. Make sure your handshake is not just firm, but ironclad. Trust me, professors don’t respect or care for that wishy-washy, cutesy college student act (DUH). Ask your professor if he or she is having a good time, and prepare yourself. It’s time to move in.

Now, we’ll go over a foolproof method to pick up your professor even if you’re not in the middle of class. This requires some patience, but you didn’t come to this guide expecting something quick and easy. That’s what Coursehero is for.

Wait until your professor has office hours, or, (better yet) go to their office anyway and knock loudly and repeatedly on their door to assert dominance. Again, this shows confidence and initiative, which professors love.

If your professor doesn’t open the door immediately, knock louder. Not only does this increase the chances of them finally succumbing to your will, but it also covers you on the off chance that your professor’s not actually in their office. In the worst-case scenario, a grad student will show up, and you can say “Aw, you’re no fun” (or something like that) and continue knocking.

Obviously, if your professor is in the office, you’re good to go. It’s time to move in.

You’re now right by your professor, you’ve established contact and there’s nothing stopping you from picking them up.

In an agile, fluid motion, wrap your arms around your professor’s waist (like an O shape) and squeeze tightly. Summoning your inner strength and training, lock your hips and knees, and lift with your back muscles. Do not stop until your professor is no longer in contact with the ground. ALWAYS START WITH THE LIFTING! NO THROWING!

Just remember the three P’s of picking up.

Penetrate: enter your professor’s office, or better yet, his or her personal space.

Piggy-back: this should be self-explanatory.

Pull out: once satisfied, politely leave your professor’s office.

If anything ever fails, try again with another professor. I want to see everyone succeed in my next few classes.