Good evening, America.
This past weekend, I had the honor and privilege of participating in the 78th annual Pan-American Rolling of the Cedars Pageant.
My years of practice and raw talent quickly propelled me to the final round. Although the competition was rewarding, my night was shattered when I, Jack Gelbe, was wrongly given runner-up.
I have been logrolling since my days as a young, bearded child in Manhattan, Kan., where I practiced other manly events such as gator wrestling, woodworking and archery.
My competition may have been almost as talented and agile as me, he was still missing the essential quality of a true logroller: a thick, unrestrained and musty-American beard.
My impressive experience quickly established me as a frontrunner in the competition, and the other contestants marveled at my thick, luscious beard-locks with a mixture of envy and awe. Eagles could roost in the branches of this shaggy forest.
In fact, my beard’s glory was truly the greatest reason for my success in the preliminary rounds. The winner of the Rolling of the Cedars has traditionally boasted voluptuous, all-American facial hair that symbolized his masculinity and worldly success.
Imagine my surprise in the final round when my competitor was completely clean shaven. It’s like he was from a completely different country.
How could some nitwit city boy from New York represent the American art form of logrolling when he couldn’t even cultivate the beginnings of lowly stubble? How could this poster boy for Gillette hope to challenge my mighty forest?
“We are adding so much into this melting pot that I can’t even keep track of the ingredients.”
Have times changed that much? Has society regressed so far as to support the beardless, emasculated masses?
Think of all the great men who ruled this country through the might of their burly beards. Abraham Lincoln emancipated the slaves with his beard. Teddy Roosevelt showed the world how strong America was, not just with the Great White Fleet, but with a inspiringly groomed moustache. Even society’s most confusing and mysterious inhabitants, the hipsters, recognize the greatness that lies behind facial fur.
This nation faces a crisis unlike any before, as we lose site of our traditions. We are adding so much into this melting pot that I can’t even keep track of the ingredients.
Atrocities, like beardless champions, are just the beginning.
For centuries, beards have represented progress and forward thinking; bearded men have brought us out of great struggles and into the modern era. Support of anything less than even a moustache symbolizes the beginning of our journey back to the stone age.
I hope we’re ready for the likes the beardless non-Americans to take over as the world’s greatest nations.