Not in this economy

Photo by Ben Keyserling

I’m not crazy. Just sleep-deprived. The stress of a prestigious engineering school hasn’t been kind to me. Dragging myself to career fair after career fair has taken its toll on me. The sight of resumes, C/Vs and mock interviews make me sick. I can’t sleep at night without dreaming about co-ops and internships. And never mind this week’s torrential downpour ruined my one and only suit. Day after day I tell myself that it is going to be ok. I go to Tech not UGA, not Southern, not ITT Tech, I’ll get a job. We’re a nationally ranked for a reason. Name alone ought to at least get me somewhere?

What if a deal isn’t reached in time and we go into a double dip recession?

I guess I’m just a little nervous about what lies ahead. I’ve watched friends move back in with their parents, mention “Taco Bell” and “fine dining” in the same sentence, become dog whisperers and even get jobs as Kim Jong-Un impersonators. I’ve got nothing against dressing up as a small, chubby dictator and going to children’s parties and corporate events, it’s just that I know there has got to be more to life than that.

It’s because of this that I decided I needed a backup plan, something sturdy and foolproof. Something that could never go wrong, something that I can support myself with for just a little while until I get my feet on the ground and get that position as senior at Jane Street Capital. I’ve decided that I’ll moonlight as a reality TV star.

It’s just a backup to call on when—or rather, if—my Tech degree doesn’t take me as far as I hope it will. I mean, everyone’s got back up plans. What’s so wrong with mine? It’s only part time, it’s not like I’m going to live going to eat cockroaches on Fear Factor for the rest of my life. My contract is up in a year anyway. After that I’m going straight back to school for my MBA like I said I would, and then it’s promoting synergy and managing hedge funds from there on out. I bet I could even settle down, start a family and get that timeshare I’ve always wanted.

But there is the looming debt-ceiling crisis. What if a deal isn’t reached in time and we go into a double dip recession?

I’m not past dyeing my skin orange and moving into a house with five strangers on the Jersey shore

I’m sure to get laid off working in the financial sector. What am I saying? I just need to calm down and focus on my grades for now and not worry about anything. Or maybe I should come up with another back up plan just to cover all the bases, you know? It’s not really hurting if I decide to do a short stint on Real Housewives of Atlanta? I can just use a fake name and wear a wig so that my family and friends will never know. I could use that money to pay off my student loans once I graduate and not have to worry about my credit score or, for that matter, have a care in the world.

I’m not past dying my skin orange and moving into a house with five strangers on the Jersey shore. I’ll just get jacked, spike my hair and maybe make a fool of myself to exploit a TV channel out of its money. They’ll never know that I’m not actually enjoying it. I mean, I might a little, but it’s easier than becoming the next Steve Jobs or doing any real work at all. I could be a household name. Hell, if I become successful enough, maybe I could even win my girlfriend back.

It’s definitely a solid plan B. I’d even say that it’s probably even good enough to be plan A.

I don’t even care if I show up to an interview on the Letterman Show with a poorly drawn tattoo of Michelle Bachmann on my face, just as long as I get a cameo on LA Ink and a book deal afterwards.

Come to think of it, I actually don’t know why I should sit through a semester of CS 1371 when I could just have a baby, teach it to dance to Wocka Flocka and get my own Honey Boo-Boo spin-off.

Why should I slog through one more year of agonizing schoolwork in the hopes of getting a job? The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I care about important things like what’s trending on Twitter and how many hits my Youtube channel gets, and not silly things like building operating systems or protein synthesis.

I think there comes a time in every man’s life where you have to draw a line between what’s realistic and what’s completely unattainable. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve made my choice. You can keep you boring 401K and dental insurance, I’m going to save the world one awe-inspiring and inspirational reality show at a time.

Who’s with me?