Etiquette guide to the morning after

It’s early Sunday morning. The sun is shining brightly into your eyes.

As you squint and turn away you are greeted by the sight of that hopefully still delicious stranger you met while you were out last night. Thoughts of the night before flood your mind and you will either be ashamed of your actions or mentally high-five yourself.

No matter your reaction, at any second the person beside you may wake up and the inevitable awkwardness will begin. Several thoughts will race through your head, and you only have a few precious moments to direct the ensuing conversation down the road you want it to go.

I realize there are several different definitions for the term “hooking up”, but for all intents and purposes let’s define it as an attempted orgasm. Yes, you hooked up with this random stranger. While this may not be the classiest thing you have done, manners should not be forgotten. There are several ways to approach the situation with grace, dignity and a little class.

Let’s consider the extremes here. You will either do anything to see this person again or you are about to schedule an appointment with your therapist to rid yourself of the memory of this person and of that night.

Whichever is the case, you must face the consequences, whatever they may be.

Consider a situation where you wake up next to a girl who you swore looked like Halle Berry (not so much anymore) last night right after you had taken X amount of shots of alcohol.

Jumping out of bed after doing a double take at the girl lying next to you while rapidly pulling on your clothes from the night before and running out the door screaming bloody murder is not the way to handle such a delicate situation.

Tip-toeing out of bed in the middle of the night is no way to handle the situation either. How awkward will it be if you ever see that person again?

If you spent the night in your own place, try to make the other person welcome. Imagine how uncomfortable you would feel in a stranger’s home the morning after some bad (or good if that’s the way you see it) decisions.

Offer your bed buddy a spare toothbrush and let him or her freshen up. Try not to rush them out of the door. Casually mention that you have plans for that day, and they will follow suit and leave. If you don’t want to see them again, let them know. But put them down gently!

Tell him or her that you had a great time, even if you didn’t, but that you aren’t looking for anything serious at the moment. They will appreciate the non-awkwardness of the situation.

And whatever you do, never tell your one-night stand you will call them later if you have no intention of doing so. You may think this little white lie is polite and an easy way to end things, but it will only lead to obsessive stalking.

Now let’s consider a situation where you’ve just landed the girl of your dreams. This girl has got the personality to go along with her killer looks. Congratulations, she’s in your bed! Now what?

Don’t freak out.

Now is not the time to ask if she’s already in a relationship or what her name is. Chances are she will already be worrying about the fact that you think she is easy, so make her as comfortable as possible.

Tell her that she looks beautiful, even if her mascara is smeared across her face and her hair looks like a hot mess. Whether or not you want to make her breakfast is up to you. Once again, don’t hurry her out the door.

She will most likely be giving you very obvious signals as to whether she wants to get out of there or not. Pay close attention. She is trying to help you.

If you want to seal the deal, ask her out again before she leaves. Nothing is sexier than a guy who is prepared.

Asking her out before she leaves will make her appreciate the fact that you didn’t use the three day rule. And this will exclude the confusing advice you will get from your male friends. Securing a second date might also mean securing another night between the sheets.

Whether you made a mistake in hooking up with this person or not, don’t be rude. Don’t forget your manners…or his or her name.

And if you haven’t even gotten close to hooking up with anyone, you might want to read the How To: Get a Date article printed in the Freshman Survival Guide.