Letters to the Editor

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s been raining more than usual of late. I mean, parts of the interstate had to be shut down because of it.

I haven’t really told anybody about it, but I’ve been seeing this coming for months.

To be honest, I could have stopped it, but I wanted the Tech community to see the wrongs it’s been committing so that it can have some incentive to correct itself.

The following is an incomplete list of adjustments the Tech community must make if the rain is to stop in the form of helpful, easy-to-follow tips.

Tip 1: Wear more waterproof fishing shirts and PFGs. If this rain continues (which it will), people will have to start buying everything waterproof, so why not start now?

Besides, velcro’s the new button. Zippers were never in.

Tip 2: Stop wearing cargo jeans that zip off to become cargo capris that zip off to become cargo jorts that zip off to become cargo tights that are made of denim material.

The ground is convinced you’re soaking up at least 20 percent of the rain that it should be getting.

Tip 3: Either reinstate the old ticketing system or get a better one. Nah… but seriously, no one likes the new one, including the rain.

Tip 4: Say ‘Nah… but seriously’ more often. It’s funny, and maybe the rain would lighten up if more people used that phrase.

See what I did there?

Tip 5: Start replacing the word ‘serious’ with ‘serial’. There’s really no relation between the two words except that they sound similar, but it’s still kind of funny.

Maybe the rain would lighten up if people replaced the two.

See, I did it again. Nah… but serially.

See what I just did? I just used my past two points in three words. Donezo-brozo.

Tip 6: Use the phrase, ‘donezo-brozo’ when you feel like you’ve either accomplished something (as I did in the previous point) or one-upped somebody.

It’s annoying to the people you do it to, so maybe the rain would lighten up if it saw other people angry. I just did it again. So what? It’s called a play on words, friend.

Tip 7: Annoy other people by using the same jokes over and over again. It’s funny to you and that’s all that matters.

Plus, similarly to my previous point, perhaps the rain would lighten up if it saw multitudes of people getting mad at other things besides it. Nah… but serially.

Donezo-brozo.

Tip 8: No more Nickleback. Nah, but in all serial-ness, I would rather be captured by Somali Pirates on a boat owned by a North Korean executioner, locked in said ship’s freezer for three days, thrown into the Red Sea with no clothes on, sunburned over 90% of my body, caught in the net of an Egyptian fishing boat, only to be recaptured by Somali pirates, sold into slavery and forced to denounce my own religion than listen to any Nickelback song.

Unforgiveable.

I’m not 100% sure the rain will stop if these measures are taken, but they can’t hurt, can they?

And that’s something to think about.