Late night solicits the sleepless

It’s 5:45 in the morning and I am enjoying the delights of late night television. Unlike the highly scheduled and programmed primetime shows, late night television provides something interesting and new at every turn. There are several channels that do different routines on a typical night.

There are countless shows about male enhancement that are obviously aimed at the deviants watching late at night. Two people usually sit around and talk about how much more engorged men become when taking a certain product and how those ladies will appreciate it. A variation of this is two people dancing at a club in slow motion while talking about the product. I somehow doubt that one could show off the effects of male enhancement on the club dance floor to the ladies without getting arrested, being charged with sexual harassment or ruining a good pair of slacks.

There are also ads soliciting people to text or call all these weird numbers. They dress these girls up in lingerie and give them cell phones and have them writhe on couches while laughing at text messages. They pout at the camera and implore you to get the phone as soon as you can as they are waiting for your text. Is this really what our society has come to? Text sex? That’s just gross. You know that “Destiny” or “Starla” is just some guy sitting there sending automated text messages back because he needs the money to get through medical school.

If someone were to turn to Comedy Central, they would get some great original programming. Unfortunately, this is all paid for by Girls Gone Wild, a company that feels the need to run the same commercial twice in a row during breaks. The weird part is that it always warns viewers at the beginning of the commercial that this is not suited for people of young ages. This seems kind of inane because I do not think the 13-year old kid high on Pixie sticks that is about to see breasts covered by a large black bar saying “CENSORED” is suddenly going to decide that this warning is a deal breaker and turn to C-Span.

The whole premise of Girls Gone Wild is so illogical, it’s a wonder they can afford all this air time. Drunk girls at clubs are lured into trailers and dark rooms to take off their clothes so that they can get a t-shirt. Why can’t people take their clothes off everywhere to get new clothes? It is not like I can not walk into Banana Republic and remove my pants and be given a new pair of chinos.

Still, these videos would not be able to run if there was not an audience purchasing the videos. If you are on the fence about actually ordering the DVDs and are suddenly swayed to get your credit card because the deal will provide shipping and an extra video of lesbian shower shots, congratulations, you have reached the low point in your life. There is no where to go but up.

But not all products are sexual in nature. Some advertise knives and forks and other utensils that could be used around the house. One thing that all of them say is that NASA uses it in some form. It legitimizes whatever they are talking about. Normally, it would seem completely irrational to imagine an astronaut in space using a pressure cooker that will cook vegetables in half the time of a normal steamer, but at 5 AM, you are just about ready to believe anything. A guy has got to get his daily serving of broccoli somehow.

Another favorite is Adult Swim. Admittedly, Adult Swim is the best because it is aimed at people staying up to these times and they program accordingly. They usually run cartoons like Family Guy and anime that has not appeared in Japan in 15 years. It is somewhat appealing, but it is not something that you want to watch for extended periods of time because, well, it’s anime that has not appeared in Japan in 15 years. And before you send letters to the editor about a specific show that is always shown in Japan and is the most popular anime show ever, I get it. You know your anime. Well you know what I know about? Everything and anything that is better than anime.

Late night programming offers a plethora of options for the insomniac that feels compelled to turn on the television. I’m sure there is other programming I’m missing, plus I do not get HBO, so that’s a topic I’m not even going to go near (although I heard that they are starting to show In Treatment at regular times during the day), but I think I have highlighted some of the many options that people have.

Of course they could just do something productive like work, but who would want to do that when you could watch 30 minute infomercials about superglue? I thought so.