Well, it’s almost here. Super Tuesday and the Georgia presidential primary are just around the corner. The presidential race is tighter than ever now, and the results of Feb. 5 will determine the candidates we’ll be forced to choose between come November. The results of the 2004 election have proven to everyone just how important the primaries really are. I mean, honestly, Kerry was the best the Democrats could muster. Everybody knows that no one will vote for someone who looks like Jack Nicholson in his role as the Joker, unless of course it was Jack Nicholson, in which case he could wear the face paint and I’d still vote for him.
The 2004 election was the first that I was able to vote in, as I’m sure it probably was for most of you. If I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I’d still vote for the W over Kerry. Whenever I looked at him, I knew he was plotting to eat my children or steal my parents’ retirement money, or, just maybe, torture little kittens.
In any case, I wasn’t old enough then to give a crap about the other potential candidates, so I don’t know who Kerry beat out to get the nod, but if he was the best the Democrats had, there were a bunch of other problems there. I mean, couldn’t they have dressed up Slick Willy in a disguise and put him up there? I know that would be breaking a few election laws, but at least he wouldn’t constantly look like he was breaking them.
Regardless of your feelings on the last presidential election, that’s over, so I think it’s time to take all those Kerry-Edwards stickers off your bumpers (replace them with Huckabee-Colbert). Now it’s time to pick the W’s successor, and there are plenty of choices. In the Republican camp, the race is as tight as ever, despite our favorite actor-turned-senator-turned-presidential-hopeful Fred Thompson dropping out of the race. John McCain has come seemingly from the verge of death (he’s still not too far) to being the current Republican front-runner. I don’t understand who keeps voting for him. It must be the retirement home population, because he looks just like their best friend down the hall. I think we need to have a little math lesson for all the potential republican primary goers. John McCain is 71. Assuming he wins the election, he’ll be 72 as he’s sworn in to office. What’s the life expectancy of a white American male? It’s around 78 years old. If he makes it for two terms, he’ll leave the oval office at the ripe old age of 80 years old. Now, maybe he’ll make it that long. Or maybe the stress of 5 years in the hole in North Vietnam and several years as president combine to make him check out a little early. I’m not saying don’t vote for him. I’m just saying you should make sure you like his vice president.
If geriatrics aren’t your style, then there are a few good choices. If you owe money to the mob, then you already know you’re voting for Giuliani. If, on the other hand, Jesus is your copilot, then Mike Huckabee might be your pick. For all the middle-aged women out there whose husbands don’t look at you like they used to, Mitt Romney will let you know how much he appreciates you, assuming you vote for him and donate to his campaign. And if you think I’m leaving someone out, go back to your cave, hippie kid. We all know that anyone that would vote for Ron Paul will be too high to go to the polls anyway.
If you tend to swing the other way when it comes to politics, then your decision is 25% easier to make. These democratic candidates are the most diverse in history. You get the choice of Barack “Change” Obama, Hillary “Experience” Clinton and John “$400 haircut” Edwards. To sum up their campaigns, Obama wants change in Washington. Clinton wants change too, but she thinks she has the experience to make change, whereas that young’un Obama doesn’t. And Edwards, well…his parents worked in a mill.
The choice between democratic candidates is actually pretty easy. If you don’t think Clinton is the antiChrist, then vote for her. Otherwise, vote for Obama, unless you want the secret to eternal youth, because my wife is pretty sure Edwards has it (he’s 54!).
In the end, you have to decide which candidate you want most for the next four years. But I urge anyone registered to vote to head to their polling place on Feb. 5. I know it’s not the main event, but nobody wants to be stuck with the person that sucked least until 2012 rolls around. If you’re not registered, you should (you can find out how at sos.georgia.gov/elections/voter_registration/voter_reg_app.htm). If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the kids.