Two Bits Man gives advice to students about the dos and don’ts of fashion

As probably this school’s only 23rd year undergrad, I’ve seen a lot of freshmen come and go, but not since the days of Columbus have I seen so many poorly dressed RATs plague campus. The problem is that all you new students here are all used to conforming with the so-called “norms” of society.

You’re at Tech now, raise your standards (not that way).

So now that you are all soon to be loyal followers of my writings, I thought I’d do you a solid and give you guys a guide on how to elevate your style to the level of those of us who have been around for a while. Girls are rather good at assimilating to the fashions of a new environment, so this guide will serve to inform all you male freshies.

Read carefully, take all this advice to heart. It just may help you get your first girlfriend.

You may be able to salvage some of your current clothing collection, but don’t hold out too much hope. First, take a look at your shirt collection. Immediately remove any shirt which is (a) not a t-shirt and (b) does not have some sort of witty remark written on it, preferably with a reference to an obscure part of your favorite sci-fi or anime movie. This will also help you make more friends, as the guy who recognizes “Look, I’m a doctor, not an escalator!” on your chest is a sure thing for your Friday night Trek parties.

Other acceptable materials for t-shirts art are physics formulae, comic book (including anime/manga) and movie characters as well as iconic 8-bit video game images.

Once you’ve distilled your shirt collection down to the essentials, and maybe picked up a few new ones, let’s take a look at your legwear. Since it’s still quite hot out in August, you should be sure to have some shorts.

Cargo shorts are okay, but those of the denim variety are preferable.

Unlike some wayward Techies who think that footwear is optional, your 10 little piggies do need some protecting. I highly recommend either black socks and white sneakers or white socks and black shoes, the contrast is quite pleasing to the eyes.

Also, when wearing shorts, make sure your socks come up to at least mid-calf. Feel free to vary the height depending on your current style, but your socks should always be visibly above your ankle, but not so high as to cover your knee. If you’re feeling in a sandal mood, don’t forget the socks, it keeps that smell (that one we all secretly enjoy) at bay.

Though some of my fellow classmates are apparently cold blooded, I am not. Therefore, I can’t wear shorts and a T-shirt all year round. For those few chilly months in Atlanta, I have made a few additions to my attire. Chiefly, the trench coat. This is the best cost-effective winter wear: no need for pants because it covers all the way to your socks (assuming you’re wearing them at the appropriate height). You can also take the coat off inside so you don’t burn up in your overfilled calculus class.

Another of my favorite outfits for the frigid months is a pair of jeans and a denim jacket. This sporty look is a sure thing for those with trouble matching colors. Sometimes I like to couple this with my trench coat for a sleek look matched by a select few around these parts.

When accessorizing, there are several good choices. Top amongst these are hats, as the sun can be quite unpleasant during most of the year.

Cowboy hats, fedoras, and sideways baseball caps are found in spades in my wardrobe. Other great accessories include cat ears or horns as well as a variety of colorful pocket protectors (I have one from NASA that is my pride and joy).

In the winter, fluffy scarves and mittens are fantastic and functional items to complete your look. This year I’m predicting a surge in the earmuff market as well.

With the southeast’s biggest “con” starting today, feel free to show off those Dragon*Con costumes you’ve been working on all year around campus next week as well. Why limit yourself to just D*Con, AWA, Halloween and Tech’s Momocon when you spent all that time on it? If you can wear Naruto on your shirt, I say why not be Naruto?

As a final note, many “fashionable” upperclassmen may try to deter you from following my wise advice. Don’t listen. Pastel plaid short shorts, doubly popped collars and flip flops are not the way to go. I’ve made plenty of friends in my 23 years here without the need for all that.