Two Bits Man talks about his beef with Chik-fil-A and the disturbing cows

I’m almost positive the majority of you reading this will disagree with me and probably hate me right off the bat, but whatever. Why does everybody like Chick-fil-A anyways?

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: waffle fries suck. Why do you want to eat fries with holes in them? Ketchup drips down and gets all over my hairy chest. Luckily for me, I can just flex my pecs and the ketchup flies off and sprays the cashier; that’s what he gets.

I will admit that the employees are usually friendlier than all other fast food restaurants (except maybe KFC, where one time I heard the two sentences “Hi, can I have your order?” and “We closed” literally within five seconds each other). Anyways, you can only do so much with good service, especially if everything else with your company is so wonky.

Here’s secret number two: Chick-fil-A is not healthy. It comes to my understanding that everyone thinks eating there is better for you than anywhere else, but that’s only true if you get a grilled chicken sandwich. I’m pretty sure of two things: A) You don’t go to fast food places to get grilled chicken sandwiches, and B) everywhere else has grilled chicken sandwiches, too.

My next grievance: The advertising campaign of Chick-fil-A. Now, I know many of your grandmothers might dislike me for saying this, but the cows are not funny. And it’s getting pretty old.

The cows learned how to write and decided that in order to save themselves from being eaten they should put these innocent chickens up for grabs.

What a bunch of jerks. If anything, that makes me want to eat more cow. Any kind of jerk face that would rather sacrifice a smaller animal deserves to be taken down a notch.

They don’t need easels and paint; they don’t need cop uniforms and radar guns, and they don’t need calendars. Calendars! Are you kidding me?! Making me look at these pictures of cows doing things everyday for 365 days of my lifetime is like torture.

I know you’re thinking, “Just don’t look at the calendar, Two Bits Man,” but what am I going to show the girls when they come over? It’s bad enough that I have so much ketchup all over my body; I have to distract them with my adorable pictures of cows dancing or something.

This campaign has also been going on way too long. As long as I can remember Chick-fil-A, I remember these disturbing animals acting human.

Do you know what Chick-fil-A says about the campaign? According to Chick-fil-A’s advertising strategies, “the cows have united in an effort to reform American food, in an effort to reduce the amount of beef which is eaten.”

First of all, Chick-fil-A is so disillusioned; they refer to the cows as if they actually exist.

So not only does Chick-fil-A think that these cows are cooperating, they believe these COWardly bovines (LOL) really care about American food.

This brings up another interesting point, if Chick-fil-A’s founder S. Truett Cathy is so set on reducing the amount of beef that is eaten in America, why did he open Truett’s Grill?

For those of you unfamiliar with this physical representation of hypocrisy, Truett’s Grill is a restaurant associated with the Chick-fil-A name that serves – wait for it – beef. I’m looking at the menu right now and they serve Chick-fil-A chicken as well as a Big T Burger platter and a Ribeye Steak Platter.

Next point about Chick-fil-A: Sundays. Really? Closed on Sundays? What kind of a fast food place is this?

One odd thing that I’ve found about Chick-fil-A and myself is the fact that whenever I do feel like eating there (the rare occasion), it’s always on a Sunday, and of course they’re closed, which makes me hate them even more.

So now I’m left here with ketchup on my body on a Sunday afternoon with nothing to eat, and I’m sitting in the dark alone looking at a picture of this cow playing guitar and rocking out.