Two Bits

For one final hurdle, all graduating seniors have to endure a roughly 70-80 hour graduation ceremony at the Georgia Dome. We might as well have some fun. Everyone needs to sneak a flask filled with your favorite beverage under your gown so that you can participate in the “Final Salute to President Clough” drinking game.

Take a swig every time:

—A student’s name is mispronounced (two drinks if it’s their first name)

—A degree is awarded to a foreign student with an adopted English name because Americans aren’t capable of pronouncing his actual name. This is for you “Steve” Bahrqff Ling Monghochondra.

—A speaker makes a joke about how long the ceremony is going to take.

—A speaker makes a kiss-ass comment about how much President Clough will be missed.

For those few Doogie Howsers out there that are under 21 years old and will be graduating, you have to drink double.

Besides drinking, nudity is also a great way to liven up the ceremony. Ladies, this will be your last day as a college student, so you might as well use it as an excuse to show off your goods. On a personal note, I’ve been providing a supposedly humorous column to entertain you during Friday lectures after you finish the crossword puzzle—the least you ungrateful jerks could do is get your girlfriends (or moms) to show their racks off while I’m accepting my degree from Dr. Clough. Ladies, don’t worry about embarrassing yourself in front of your grandparents. With their poor eyesight, you can always claim that it wasn’t you, it was a fellow sorority sister that flashed President Clough. Consider all the good you’d be doing; this will be the only time at Tech that many guys will ever see a pair of naked breasts.

After graduation, I encourage you to consider a career in politics or education. We scientists and engineers can no longer operate as a separate part of society. The lack of influence of the scientific community in government has led to an American public with a pitiable understanding of scientific principals. Take evolution. There is a museum in Kentucky that depicts early mankind walking around with dinosaurs. Attention Kentucky: The Flintstones was not a documentary.

From a scientific point of view, I’m bothered by the decision made by the creationist museum to take all the scientific knowledge we’ve gained about evolution, and throw it out the window.

From a religious point of view, I’m bothered by the creationist museum’s claim that all the dinosaurs were washed away in the great flood. Do you mean to tell me that God, in his infinite wisdom, decided to kill of all the stegosauri and leave all of the ugly wombats behind? The God I believe in would never make such a poor decision.

You don’t have to wait to graduate to get involved. There are 16,000 well educated students at Georgia Tech. Would you all please occasionally leave the confines of this campus and go provide assistance to the Atlanta school system?

Every child inside the perimeter should be able to sing the Ramblin’ Wreck song and recite the three basic laws of thermodynamics (no, I’m not going to explain what they are to all you INTA majors, go look it up on Wikipedia). Someone needs to tell little Johnny and Susie “ignore any past stickers that may have been put on your textbook by Cobb County. There is no scientific proof that cavemen ever played Frisbee with tyrannosaurus rex, and no matter how much you hate algebra, if you don’t learn it, then there won’t be enough engineers left to run the country.”