In lieu of actual reporting, the U.S. News and World Report has released its annual inane list of college rankings.
The rankings are based off of important educational criteria like how many alumni of a particular university are subscribers to U.S. News and World Report and how often fictional movie characters are said to have a degree from your university in order to appear smarter.
The largest factor of a college’s rankings come from the beauty contest section where the deans of peer colleges are asked to rate how hot your university president would look in a thong—which is why Tech has done so well recently.
Despite the general consensus amongst academics that the rankings are completely worthless, the top ranked schools always gloat about their high status. Why? Well, U.S. News and World Report is like the drunk, fat barfly with herpes. It’s better for society if nobody pays attention to her, but it feels so good when she’s hooking up with you in the bathroom.
Want proof the rankings are complete bull?
First, the University of Hawaii is not in the top ranked schools.
People spend thousands of dollars just to vacation for a week in Hawaii. Location isn’t everything, except when your location happens to be a tropical paradise. It doesn’t matter how good or bad the education is, you get to ride dolphins to class and hit on hot cougars, recently divorced and exploding out of their undersized bikinis.
Second reason the rankings are crap: the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is the number one engineering school. How do they manage to consistently stay on top? Simple, if U.S. News and World Report is a drunk fatty, then MIT is the king of screwing fat chicks.
By acting as America’s nerd Mecca, the school has convinced everyone that it must be an excellent institute, and thus deserves the number one ranking.
MIT has perpetrated the belief that if you’re a socially awkward, feeble super dork in high school, then you should go to MIT so you can work with computers and become the next Bill Gates. Guess what? Nerds don’t make good engineers. This is why we still have so many huge unsolved problems in the world (global warming, cancer, unsafe drinking water, fast food ketchup dispensers that squirt all over your shirt).
The nerds are too busy editing Wikipedia to address the important issues (the mustard dispensers never cause problems; it’s always the damned ketchup).
Also, have you ever heard someone from Massachusetts speak? I’d rather stick my head in a piranha tank than have a conversation with somebody from Boston. Give me a Southern belle who wears large hoop earrings and calls me “darlin’.”
Not only are rankings frivolous, they have a negative effect on high ranked schools.
Georgia Tech’s high rankings attract the type of high school students that take the SATs five times to get a perfect score. Once at Tech, these kids will only be concerned with getting a high GPA so they can get into a highly ranked medical or law school and go on to marry a large-fake-breasted trophy wife (or, to be politically correct, a large-fake-breasted trophy husband).
Like a college’s rankings, a person’s SAT scores reveal little about their actual potential. To put it in SAT analogy form, “high SAT score” is to “being successful” as “popping a collar and wearing Axe body spray” is to “being attractive to women.”
The SAT is administered by the Educational Testing Service—ranked the number one most useless non-profit organization by the U.S. News and World Report.
Non-profit doesn’t mean they aren’t making any money; they just don’t have to pay income taxes. Presumably, the Educational Testing Service is a non-profit because their services are beneficial to the public. I’m not exactly sure what societal benefits they provide, but maybe they plan to feed old SAT exams to the homeless.
It’s time for Tech to truly take the lead as a top ranked university. Let’s start by abandoning the U.S. News and World Report rankings. If the fourth best engineering school refuses to play the rankings game, others will follow.
When those peer surveys come around asking university administrators to rate each other, college administrators should do what Tech students do when confronted with an inane survey: write in absurd answers and sign it with “George P. Burdell.”
Everyone should give South Dakota State University the highest rating. South Dakota Sate University’s school motto is, “You can go anywhere from here—well, maybe not anywhere, but you might be able to make it to North Dakota.”
Never heard of South Dakota State University? Good, neither has anyone else. This makes it a perfect candidate for our choice as the number one school in the country.
The best part of the plan is that all those perfect SAT score, valedictorian overachievers that nobody likes will soon be stuck in South Dakota.