A final word from Two Bits

Since I have been fired, this will be my last column. As such, I’m going to speak about something that most people disagree with. I love George W. Bush. Bush will be remembered as one of the greatest presidents of this country. True, he has an enormous unfavorable rating now, but you know who else only had a few devoted followers and was widely hated? Jesus.

The most controversial Bush issue is over his war in Iraq. Although I fully support the war, I can’t actually fight in one because of my exercise-induced asthma, which I discovered during my first season of youth soccer. While the rest of the team ran laps, I sat on the bench, drinking a Capri Sun. I learned two lessons that soccer season. First, in sports and other non-sedentary activities such as war, I’m best suited to the role of cheerleader, like former cheerleader and current president George Bush. Second, the best flavor of Capri Sun is Tropical Punch.

With the war in Iraq, Bush has ushered in an era of freedom that will spread across the globe. The effects are already present in Cuba. Like holy water to a demon, exposure to freedom has physically harmed communist Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Cuba, by its close proximity to the United States, has been so overwhelmed by America’s shining aura of freedom that is has caused Castro to fall ill and be replaced by his brother. If we keep slapping “I support the troops” ribbons to our SUVs then this aura of freedom will grow so large that eventually it will reach Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.

I can’t end this column without giving my thanks and support to the troops overseas. As an 22 year old Bush devotee, I’ll do whatever I can to support the war in Iraq (besides actually enlisting in the military because of the asthma). If there’s anything I can do for our troops who are risking life and limb, just let me know. I’ll be over here, in America, drinking a Capri Sun.