Two Bits Man advises freshmen on delicate art of switching majors

All right, freshmen, you’ve failed enough tests by now to realize that it’s time to switch to an easier major. This special two-part column gives an unbiased rundown of the educational opportunities available to you at Tech. Week One focuses on the often overlooked majors not in the College of Engineering (because the College of Engineering won’t let them in).

Biology: Kids who liked dissecting frogs either turn into serial killers or biologists. They seem to have a wild misconception that they all will eventually become doctors.

Physics: Nothing new is left to be discovered in this realm of science, so physicists spend their time trying to out-smug each other by discussing string theory and quoting Einstein. String theory’s basic premise is that a man with a physics degree can only get a job that pays enough for him to live on a diet of string. As for Einstein, did you know evidence suggests that his first wife played a significant role in developing some of Einstein’s theories? Hey, someone had to do all typing. (Editor’s note: The Technique fully supports female scientists and disapproves of any statements that may affect the campus ratio.)

Chemistry: My Chemistry teacher once compared Hund’s Rule of filling electron orbitals to the unspoken rules men follow in occupying bathroom urinals. This is the only thing I remember about chemistry.

Earth and Atmospheric Sciences: Because somebody around here has to be the easy science.

Psychology: I’ve never met a sane psychology student, which has guaranteed that I’ll never consult a psychologist. After all, would you follow an exercise plan from a morbidly obese personal trainer?

Building Construction: Learn valuable trade secrets such as how to encase an entire corpse in concrete for the mafia. BC kids are just architecture students with an identity crisis.

Architecture: Architecture majors are those weird kids that chose to build Lego skyscrapers instead of pursuing the normal Lego pastime—amassing a large Lego pirate fleet to invade Barbie’s Dream House. They also have studio where they congregate at late hours, drink mass amounts of caffeine and contemplate different ways of saying how hard studio is.

Management: Management is for people that don’t want to learn anything but would like to make a large amount of money when they graduate. I would enroll in management, but getting a decent job depends on who you know, and the only person I know is my cousin Dwayne, who can only secure me a position as assistant manager in a Waffle House. The M-Train may be raising its tickets prices, but there are always seats available.

Science Technology and Culture (STAC): Spend most of their time convincing friends that they are just as smart and important as engineers. For a laugh, ask a STAC major to explain what an eigenvalue is.

International Affairs: There’s only one phrase you need to know to succeed in international affairs: USA kicks ass!

Public Policy: Andrew Jackson’s Indian Removal policy, Separate but Equal, Abstinence Only sex education and The No Child Left Behind Act—public policy majors are responsible for all of these successful social implementations.

Mathematics: Math majors hope to graduate and spend their lives as professional math TAs, desperately trying to teach calculus to STAC majors.

Economics: Don’t ever play an economics major in Monopoly; I’m still paying off my mortgage on Marvin Gardens from a game I played with Alan Greenspan three years ago. Before economics, society used the barter system, which wasn’t so bad unless you were a baby grand piano craftsman.

Try lugging one of those things down to the market every time you want to trade for a loaf of bread. Thanks to the modern economic system, the piano craftsmen doesn’t have to worry about trading his merchandise because he is too busy finding a new place to live after losing his house in the subprime lending crisis.

Computer Science: These geeks are around to make everyone else at Tech feel like less of a nerd. If you think you have problems then you should watch a computer science major try to talk to a female. I know that some of America’s wealthiest dorks like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg made their fortunes by working with computers, but you know what else they do that all you computer science dweebs should aspire to do? Shower on a consistent basis.

Computational Media: Every year computational media majors churn out dozens of cool visualizations for iTunes and Winamp. This is the 21st century version of underwater basket weaving as it is basically just majoring in YouTube.

History, Technology, and Society (HTS): No one has ever been able to stay awake long enough in any of these lectures to find out what they do.

Stay tuned next week for part two: the College of Engineering, where the real majors are located.