Attention all nerds; I don’t like Star Wars, Star Trek or science fiction films in general, especially films that star that hack actor from Rudy. Also, I wish NBC had developed a new Law & Order spinoff instead of devoting its entire lineup to shows for dorks. I realize that I’ve offended a significant portion of the Tech population, but I’m sick of the nerd culture that continues to expand on campus.
Thanks to you dweebs, people interested in science are often stereotyped as being the type of people that sit alone on Monday nights, watching Heroes and microwaving Hot Pockets. I am ending that union. You nerds are giving us normal scientists and engineers a bad reputation. Trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe, developing alternative energies, and curing cancer have nothing to do with the debate over whether a lightsaber could cut through adamantium. (If part of your brain is trying to figure out the answer to that question, then this column is for you, dork.)
And don’t email me complaining about the nuances between geeks, nerds, dweebs, dorks and spazzes because frankly, you’re all freaks. Look, I’m not trying to set up some John Hughes clique situation here. You freaks are just as nauseating as guys that “own” a fantasy league baseball team, the thousands of UGA fans that care more about Dawg football than learning the entire alphabet or anyone that has a tattoo of their favorite Nascar driver.
Let’s start off with the most common nerd obsession: videogames.
There are only three acceptable types of video games—games where you shoot aliens, games where you shoot Nazis and games where you shoot zombies. No adult man should spend his free time pretending to be a magical elf that dances around in a cape tapping orcs with a wand. As for the whole DDR phenomenon, why would any guy dance without being forced to do so by some female? You might as well play a driving video game where you race from your apartment to CVS in order to buy tampons for your girlfriend (as if you had one). Why don’t you CS majors do something useful and make me a video game where I kill undead space Nazis.
Next up, those Japanese cartoons. The fact that they’re in a foreign language doesn’t make them any less childish. Does the same behavior occur in Japan? Do the Japanese nerds gather together to watch old episodes of Captain Planet and the Muppet Babies? Some of you even go so far as to collect the dolls from the different shows. You need to stop this childhood regression before you start drinking from a sippy cup and carrying around a wubby.
In the darkest parts of the nerd forest are the dorks that have learned to use Leetspeak, Elvish and other languages that’ll never get them past first base. If you want to learn a foreign language, learn a real one. United States intelligence is short on Arabic translators, but at least we’ll be prepared when the Klingons attack.
Nerds also obsess over pirates and ninjas. The only time I want to hear a conversation about pirates or ninjas is if one is about to stab me. I also don’t care to hear about hypothetical fights between Magneto and Sonic the Hedgehog, between the crew from Star Trek Voyager and the Care Bears, if Superman’s mom is hotter than Spiderman’s Aunt May or which of the Ninja Turtles has the best chance of sleeping with April O’Neil.
Women at Tech exacerbate the nerd problem. I once attended a luau in the quad and sat down next to a seemingly ordinary male and female student only to find myself caught in a conversation about their favorite Narnia books. Every nerd chick here gives some spaz hope that he’ll achieve coitus with a woman. In the event that two Tech dweebs do manage to reproduce, they’ll doom the child by naming him after their favorite George Lucas character. Good luck in life baby Darth Obi Won Boba Windu Skywalker.
Before you freaks haXoRzz! my computer, just know that I’m trying to help you out because I don’t think you’re all completely lost to the dark side/part of the Borg hive/stuck in the Matrix (pick whichever analogy causes you to emit that disgusting dork guffaw where you snort out your nose in a nerd squeal of approval).
It is going to be difficult to break your well ingrained spaz habits, but fortunately, you live in the bitchingest city in the South. Grab a normal friend, one that doesn’t play Super Smash Bros. for thirteen hours every day, and hit up a dive bar in Little Five Points, stroll down Peachtree or play Buford Highway Roulette—where you drive down Buford highway and pull into any random restaurant for dinner. You lose if you get into a fight with Kid Rock. I’ll see you dorks out in the real world, except on Wednesdays—that’s when my mailbox gets the new issue of the Powerpuff Girls comic.