Two Bits Man resolves an assortment of issues for the new year

I spent most of Winter break at my parents’ house eating cookie dough ice cream and listening to Feist. Around my fifth tub I decided that maybe, just maybe, my life could use some improvements, so here are my resolutions for 2008:

I will stop pirating bad music. I will not download the next catchy song on an iPod commercial no matter how shiny the singer’s blue sequins are, nor how much I secretly love singing the chorus alone in my apartment. This resolution does not backdate to include any previously obtained songs, especially ones that start with the lyrics “One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more.”

I will enter the CRC at least twice a month. Instances where I run into the CRC because of an emergency bathroom situation do count towards the number.

I will not pop my collar. I’ve never popped my collar, but I’m stating this resolution in hopes that at least a few of you tools out there will go with me on this one. After all, wearing your collar normal is the first step to stop being a something that (due to censorship) can only be described as “rhymes with mouche pag.”

I will eat other things besides cherry Pop-Tarts for breakfast. It’s about time I expand my palate to include other breakfast items such as brown sugar cinnamon Pop-Tarts, frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.

I will end the drought. Apparently, some of you haven’t been praying hard enough to have God save us from the drought. It’s time to step it up to the next level. Meet me in the Student Center tomorrow morning for some naked rain dancing. I’m not sure what sort of rhythmic stylings the Almighty prefers, so I have three dances lined up. First, we’ll be taking a note from dance week of my 3rd grade gym class by doing the grapevine to the tune “Achy Breaky Heart.” Next we’ll be hopping around in the buff to some polka music and finally, we’ll end by boogying to a new dance choreographed by Soulja Boy.

Following rain dancing, we’ll be offering up some sacrifices to appease the rain god(s). By starting this whole drought prayer trend, Governor Sonny Perdue has kicked things off by sacrificing his freaking brain. We could do the traditional livestock sacrifice by going up to UGA and stealing some goats from the dorm rooms, but for a sacrifice to work, you need to surrender an object you truly value. So bring your iPhones, PS3s and Halo video games.

As a last resort, we can always perform a good old fashioned virgin sacrifice. After burning all of Tech’s video games, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a volunteer because the average Tech student won’t have any will to live without 24 hour access to Guitar Hero. I recommend starting the virgin sacrifices with my girlfriend who, after receiving a beautiful sapphire necklace from me for Christmas, still broke up with me New Years.

I will not tolerate calling “shotgun.” In the past I have grudgingly abided to the rules of shotgun when walking to the car, even though I have not called “shotgun” since I was 13. Calling shotgun was an acceptable way to prevent fistfights amongst young children; however, we’re adults in college now, and your mom no longer picks up you and your brothers from soccer practice. The only adults that can’t share time in the front seat like civilized people are mouche pags.

I will vote in the Georgia primary election this year. I absolutely will not vote for Barack Obama because I don’t like people of his type, which I realize is a discriminatory statement, but this country is not ready for a Hawaiian president. Also, God will keep Atlanta in a drought unless everyone votes republican. I’ll probably just write in George W. Bush on the ballot.

I will help others with their resolutions. It is typical for women to resolve to lose weight by exercising, and nothing helps sticking to a resolution better than doing it in a group. So ladies, I think myself and a couple of you should get together and work on our goals for the year.

Although I personally don’t care much for exercise, I did resolve to have a menage a trois.