Woody’s not real restaurant

Photo by Monica Jamison

While the on campus dining option of Woodruff, colloquially known as Woody’s, is by no means a new addition to campus (the building opened in 1984), it is perhaps one of the most overlooked options.

With ten separate kitchens to choose from, there is no lack of options when one finds himself or herself in need of sustenance, but it might be a little while before a cook deigns toappear.

The food of this fine establishments varies wildly, and it is not terribly infrequent for the inexperienced cooks to set off the fire alarm, warranting the evacuation of both wings as well as the attached dining hall, which might be a safer, less adventurous alternative.This terrible lack of cooking experience among its chefs has not, by any means, deterred Woodruff from remaining open to students for over three decades, and since they are neither held to the standards of the United States Food and Drug Administration nor receive a public health inspection score, this is unlikely to change in future regardless of the food’s quality.

While the kitchen, with its unadorned walls and an intimidating refrigerator that takes up a large portion of the floor space, is by no means the most attractive or ideal dining area, the cooks might be offended if their diners abscond with their food to find a more appealing atmosphere in which to eat. For this reason, it is recommendable to bring one’s own decoration or, at the very least, a few good conversation topics.

One of the most innovative advances of the restaurant in Woodruff North and South is that there is no posted menu. This, foreseeably, has the down side of there being no regulation on the prices of the food, allowing each individual cook to set their own bill.

Many of the cooks, most of whom have little to no experience in this profession, claim that their food is not for sale and some even venture further into the surreal and state that they are not, in fact, chefs but students attempting to become engineers.

Despite their refusal to acknowledge their restaurant status, it is still quite possible, with enough perseverance, for one to obtain food from the Woodruff kitchens. One must simply befriend the cooks and realize that payment will not take a monetary form — usually being lively conversation, good company and perhaps an offer to do the dishes.

It is worth noting that the quality of food is not linked at all to the normally low pricing. Even though the quality of the offered food ranges wildly from mere sustenance to nigh gourmet dishes, whatever the lottery offers is often appreciated by the eager and hungry college crowd.

With its lack of formality and laid-back schedule, the dining at Woodruff North and Woodruff South is a fun and diverse choice for food, but it is also a bit risky for patrons to count on as there is no guarantee there being edible food exactly when needed.

Because of this, it is advisable to bring something to work on, such as homework if one wishes to be productive or a deck of cards for fun, and camp out in the spacious lounge area, located just down the hall from each of the restaurant’s ten kitchens.

From these lounges, one can easily hear when a chef arrives and begins to noisily prepare the food. At this point, a potential patrons should wrap up whatever they have occupied the wait time with and timidly approach the cook, slyly slipping into the conversation that they are a little hungry.

Disclaimer: This is part of our April Fool’s wraparound and is in no way factual.