The Amazon-sized mixed up in Tech Square

Photo by Lassa Truth

Due to an unfortunate mix-up between, global e-commerce vendor, and the Amazon Conservation Association, Tech Square will receive a rainforest biome before the end of the semester.

“I’ll be 100 percent honest here, I don’t think anyone actually checked the paperwork before they issued the press release,” said Toucan Sam, Public Relations officer with the Amazon Conservation Association.

“Does it really make more sense for an online shopping giant that’s been responsible for the closure of thousands of brick-and-mortar, mom-and-pop stores to open something on a college campus? No, it doesn’t.”

AmazonRainforest@Tech, as the space will officially be called, will begin construction April 1. The roof of the building formerly home to a small Walmart location will be removed and replaced with a glass half-dome.

Temperatures in the dome will be kept at a swarthy 80.5 degrees Fahrenheit, and humidity will remain at approximately 75 percent with the use of unique water spray nozzles located throughout the building.

“We’re releasing an enormous amount of butterflies in there. Just a ludicrous amount,” Sam said. Indeed, preliminary construction plans indicate that 5,000 butterflies will be released in the dome initially, with the expectation that many will die but more will reproduce.

AmazonRainforest@Tech will also be home to several species of bird, as well as a sloth and multiple giant wasps.

Rumors continue to swirl over the possibility of a mock river being installed in the building’s floor. This will be the second man-made river on Tech’s campus.

“While I don’t have an official comment, I can say that we have to put the piranhas somewhere,” Sam said.

Tech students will not be able to return or pick up any products at the new AmazonRainforest@Tech location; however, the likelihood of packages brought to the location disappearing forever is fairly high.

Disclaimer: This is part of our April Fool’s wraparound and is in no way factual.