Step aside, Bo Jackson: Sanchez a true dual threat

Photo courtesy of cmgTFfan1084/YouTube

Pablo Sanchez is the greatest athlete of all time, and the only juicing he ever did was apple-flavored and came in a box.

He is the first pick, the “Secret Weapon,” the entire team.

He is why the Mighty Melonheads were up 46-0 in every game, in every sport.

MVP is not a question; it is the answer to “Who is that kid?”

What makes Pablo GOAT isn’t his 10 in batting, 10 in fielding or 9 in running in Backyard Baseball, his dominant sport. It’s not his superior stats in hockey or football, either.

It’s that he’s so good despite having been 12 years old for the past 20 years. He is the ultimate sportsballer, and he still hasn’t reached puberty.

Professionals have tirelessly honed the minutiae of their craft longer than Pablo has been on this Earth, and he’s barely taller than the baseball bat he carries.

However, those who see his age and stature as deficits have never seen a bat swung so divinely. After witnessing this higher power, nonbelievers convert from their false idols to begin a new level of worship. Those who do not pick Pablo are forever damned to putting forth nonzero effort to try win a single game.

As strong as the trumpets in his theme song, as fast as his team wins games, this kid is no broken ladder. In fact, Sunny Day and Vinny the Gooch agree that he is unstoppable.

Throw in Kenny Kawaguchi on the mound.

Have Randy Johnson pitch in. Bring the Fire Ball. It doesn’t matter a bit.

¡Adiós béisbol!

Pablo’s line drives go out of the park, and his hits are classified as missiles by an increasingly nervous Department of Defense.

But he’s no threat to national security. He’s just a kid who’s better than we’ll ever be at the national pastime.

Pablo Ramón Sanchez: ¿Quién es más macho?

Disclaimer: Although this is part of our April Fool’s wraparound, it is still 100 percent factual.