Messi vs. Ronaldo: Debate Rematch

Photo courtesy of UEFA

Messi or Ronaldo? It’s a question we’ve been asking for decades, perhaps even years. Whether you side with the diminutive Argentinian or you prefer the more physical presence of the Portuguese star, there is an argument to be made.

I take that back. There isn’t an argument to be made if you’re a Ronaldo fan. Why? Because you’re wrong. Not just wrong as in, “I think you should have carried the two,” but wrong as in, “You just suggested that the moon isn’t made of cheese.”

The sorts of people who think that Ronaldo is the finest the world has to offer also probably think that the moon landing was real, or that the President of the United States doesn’t report to an Illuminati Council on a monthly basis. Because it’s the truth.

The last time we at the Techlique made this comparison, we took what I like to call a ‘mathy’ approach. We used decimals, numbers and integers, we took out our abaci and crunched the statistics, and we reported our findings.

Obviously, I wasn’t in charge of writing that article, because you and I both know that such a ridiculous approach is way off base. (I know that referring to baseball here may be confusing, but we’re talking about European football. Stick with me!)

This time, we’re going to take a more ‘feely’ approach to determining whether Messi is indeed the finest footballer, or if the Pride of Portugal should come out on top. Let’s begin.

Dribbling: Just watch them on the pitch. Messi just puts so much passion into his dribbling. Watching him work a defender is akin to watching Van Gogh write a concerto, Amadeus-style. Angels cry at its beauty.

Meanwhile, Ronaldo is nothing special. Sure, he runs down the length of the field with the ball, but so does everyone and their grandmother. I’d give him a 5/10, but like I said, this is not the time nor the place for numbers, real or imaginary.

Shooting: Remember when I said we weren’t going to use numbers? Well, it turns out we are, because it’s the only way to do the great Messi justice. He’s an 11/10. Ronaldo doesn’t get a number. He sucks.

FIFA 12 stats: Ronaldo wins this one. Playing with Ronaldo is cheating. That just means he’s bad at real life. Because I say so.

And that’s how the cookie crumbles, folks! Messi wins, best two of three. Undeniable.

Disclaimer: This is part of our April Fool’s wraparound and is in no way factual. Ronaldo is obviously better than Messi.