Good evening, America, and hello, my fellow Jackets.
It is my absolute delight to introduce the Gelbe-Stolen T ticket in this year’s SGA Presidential Elections.
Following my meteoric rise to Freshman Class President, I believe that the next logical step is to lead the entire student body. I am confident that my leadership this year has inspired several students to become leaders in their own right—and I realize that, encouraged by my example, Tech students will go on to make the world a better place.
I am also confident in the abilities of my running mate, the Stolen T from Tech Tower. Though it is not currently at Tech, I can assure you that its service record with Student Government is impeccable, and it will be fully aware of campus issues when it returns.
Both of us firmly stand behind our platform, which encourages the liberal use of buzzwords including “student involvement,” “facilitation” and “Buzz.”
Like my fellow candidates, the Stolen T and I have decided to propose several different ideas of varying levels of feasibility and effectiveness, and then just stick with what feels right when I’m in office next year.
First of all, I’m a patriot, and I believe that the best part of America is Old Glory. The most important part of the America brand is the Stars and Stripes.
Similarly, the most important part of the SGA brand is our signature polo. In order to generate some buzz and facilitate student involvement with the campus community, I promise to implement an entire SGA clothing line. By providing our members with enough SGA-themed apparel, we will eliminate the need for any other campus organizations to even consider having their own clothing.
I would also like to change the school schedule next year to better suit student needs. In order to make Tech a better space to learn, I will free students from the binding monotony of four-month-long semesters. I promise to extend the length of spring break to a month, enabling students to better manage their hectic schedules.
Of course, there are other significant ways to impact the student experience at Tech. One thing that comes to mind immediately is the renovation of the Student Center. I promise to actively seek students’ ideas about the expansion and modifications to the building, and I promise to delegate this task to someone more capable of handling it.
After all, it is important that SGA collects student opinions while the higher administration makes decisions that affect our campus.
It is important to realize that our ultimate goal here is an even larger Student Center. Just as Disneyland eventually expanded to Disney World, the Student Center needs to keep its eyes focused forwards.
Ultimately, that is the main motivation behind the Gelbe-Stolen T ticket and SGA as a whole: looking forward. The student body can always be better served by the administration, and by proposing enough policies, we are sure that we will be able to satisfy every member of the Tech community.