Photo by Elliott Brockelbank

Normally I like to disguise how much I hate stupid people behind my witty remarks and snappy side banter, but I’ve realized something on campus that needs to be addressed: texting and traffic.

I think it says a lot about our culture when we feel so connected to our phones that it inhibits our ability to both walk and avoid traffic. To some people, it seems like they would define life as their phone and a day without it is like every night Leonardo DiCaprio leaves the Oscars (too soon!!).

First of all, if you are moving slower than Patrick Star’s snail, Rocky, from SpongeBob Squarepants, I urge you to reconsider your place at this campus. Your first reaction should be, “But wasn’t Rocky just a rock though?” Yes. That’s how pitiful it is that you can’t even maintain a decent pace of walking so much that a rock moves faster than you.

I believe our youth culture has brought upon a new psychological disorder that half of this campus has fallen or currently falls prey to: A.D.D., or Addicted to Digital Devices. Even more serious, one in ten who suffer from A.D.D. suffer from D.D.E., or Denial that Drivers Exist.

This is a subset of A.D.D.  in which people who are so connected and in love with their cell phone reach the point that when they are walking, they shut out the world, and thus their attention to other drivers.

Now I’m not crazy. I do believe pedestrians should have the right of way, especially when it’s freezing cold outside with a wind chill or so hot that my sweat sweats. People in cars have heaters/air conditioning that pedestrians lack, so a few extra seconds in a nicely chilled or nicely warmed vehicle isn’t the end of the world. However, when there is a green light, green means go…for drivers.

I have seen countless numbers of kids pay so close attention to their phones that they completely neglect the fact that they shouldn’t walk into oncoming traffic.

Now this is an easy fix: Hit the pedestrians. I am all for giving them the right of way, but when they feel their phone deserves more attention than the crosswalk signal, I deserve to wake them up.

Maybe physics has taught me that both the mass and the force of a car aren’t the greatest thing to propel into a human being, so I will make amends. I suggest that all cars be equipped then with paintball guns. If anyone walks in front of you when they really should not, they deserve to know. Their outfit needs some recoloring.

I’m only worried though that the former plan is too nice: A person with D.D.E. won’t care about any cuts or splattered paint all over their bag, so long as their phone isn’t damaged.

Please forward this to your friends, because if you’re reading this, you obviously don’t have A.D.D. or D.D.E. because you have managed to put your own phone down. Be the hero. Save a life.