Photo by Colin Ake

All right scrubs, some of you could use some help on how to slack and still succeed in picking up your professor. Mostly freshmen do, but some of you other Jackets could use a review.

For any time throughout the semester, if you are in the back row of the classroom, you’re doing it wrong. First, I’ll let you fools know what to do if you’re wondering what to do while you’re in the middle of a lecture. This should be completely obvious, but I want to see everyone succeed.

Picking up a professor is easy; it’s all about the body language that you put out. First, wait for class to end. It’s important to project confidence throughout your efforts. That’s right, kids —chest out, chin up, all of that other career fair crap.

Introduce yourself and shake their hand, but don’t let go. Make sure your handshake is not just firm, but ironclad. Trust me, professors don’t respect or care for that wishy-washy, cutesy college student act (DUH). Ask your professor if he or she is having a good time, and prepare yourself. It’s time to move in.

Now, we’ll go over a foolproof method to pick up your professor even if you’re not in the middle of class. This requires some patience, but you didn’t come to this guide expecting something quick and easy. That’s what Coursehero is for.

Wait until your professor has office hours, or, (better yet) go to their office anyway and knock loudly and repeatedly on their door to assert dominance. Again, this shows confidence and initiative, which professors love.

If your professor doesn’t open the door immediately, knock louder. Not only does this increase the chances of them finally succumbing to your will, but it also covers you on the off chance that your professor’s not actually in their office. In the worst-case scenario, a grad student will show up, and you can say “Aw, you’re no fun” (or something like that) and continue knocking.

Obviously, if your professor is in the office, you’re good to go. It’s time to move in.

You’re now right by your professor, you’ve established contact and there’s nothing stopping you from picking them up.

In an agile, fluid motion, wrap your arms around your professor’s waist (like an O shape) and squeeze tightly. Summoning your inner strength and training, lock your hips and knees, and lift with your back muscles. Do not stop until your professor is no longer in contact with the ground. ALWAYS START WITH THE LIFTING! NO THROWING!

Just remember the three P’s of picking up.

Penetrate: enter your professor’s office, or better yet, his or her personal space.

Piggy-back: this should be self-explanatory.

Pull out: once satisfied, politely leave your professor’s office.

If anything ever fails, try again with another professor. I want to see everyone succeed in my next few classes.

  • anonymously_cheesy

    The three P’s of picking up. Did we not just learn how to present ourselves on the Internet from the rapebait email? This is in very bad taste, and definitely too soon.

  • DrStaff

    As a professor, I fail to see even the attempted humor here. DrPete could teach you a thing or two about humor. But thanks for reminding me that meeting with students with the office door closed is a bad idea.

    • comeonnow

      Are you aware that this is a parody of something else? Also, by “picking up” it means literally lifting off of the ground. It even has “satire” as a tag.

      • GTAlumna

        Are you aware this is parody of a Rape bait email? The subtext of the entire thing is sexual.

  • Anna

    The fact this is the top article for the Nique is ridiculous and embarrassing for the paper and the school. Try to show a little character as the school moves past this, especially as y’all just published his apology letter last week. Ridiculous.

  • Top lel

    > tagging satire as satire

  • spitzensparx

    So now I suppose the hill and half the student body will express outrage over this highly insensitive communication, like for poor Mathew? Oh, no, I guess not since it idn’t use any of our “bad” words!

  • Are you freaking kidding me

    You people are so dense. THIS IS SATIRE.
    It literally gives instructions for LIFTING THE PROFESSOR OFF OF THE GROUND.
    Holy crap. Get yourselves together.

  • opustv

    I see what you did there. :-) Call me amused.