Good evening, friends.

If you don’t know who I am, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Two Bits Man, beardless contemporary of the great Funk Masta G. Wayne and long-time satirist at the Technique. I’ve been on sabbatical for the past few years, in a quest to find myself in the world after graduation. Having failed at doing anything more productive than trolling Reddit and sitting moodily in coffee shops, I decided to join many others with nothing better to do and go to grad school.

So, here I sit, contemplating several years of doing as little as I had before, though at least now there’s a degree waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I have to say, after a few years of having to actually do things in the real world, it’s good to be back in the safe, meaningless bosom of academia.

Upon returning to campus, I, of course, was welcomed with open arms by the all the wonderful things I came to love at Tech. Parking asking for my first-born child, the blockade of panhandlers surrounding campus, the innovative ways professors find to not care about their classes and the hurt confusion of freshman, still reeling from their first round of finals, yet adorably optimistic they can keep from hurting so much next time.

What really made me realize I was home again, however, was the food that awaited me here, and how stress free it was. See, out in the real world, we have to worry about such troublesome things as “flavor” and “variety” and, most concerning, “freshness.” Dining, to ease the ever-growing burden on Tech students’ minds, has removed such concerns from our plates—quite literally. Instead, they’ve been kind enough to supply us with worry-free bowls of material with just enough nutrition to keep us on our feet. No muss, no fuss, no threat of overexcitement to students’ bowels. Well, unless you get the chicken. Then, yes, some gastrointestinal distress will probably be involved.

But the true glory of Dining’s charity towards students comes shining through with the announcement of their recent cuts in services. Students concerned over the added variety of lumps in their gravy or runny eggs next to their soggy toast need no longer fear such atrocities, as the North Ave. Dining Hall is removing hot breakfast from their menu. Now students have nothing more to fear when getting out of bed in the morning than stale cereal. If we’re all very nice, we can probably get the other facilities around campus to cut these options as well! I’d get a petition going, but, frankly, I’m too lazy. If you’d like to join me, just sliver a line from your favorite love song, with your beloved’s name replaced by ‘bacon.’

What’s more, Dining has extended the same sense of charity to Sodexo’s employees. Worried that work is cutting into the cashiers’ precious magazine-reading time, Dining has graciously agreed to cut late night service at NADH, leaving Waffle House as the only late night food on campus. This benefits students as well, since WaHo doesn’t accept meal plan points, meaning students can spend their money on food,  instead, which we all obviously have plenty of laying around these days. Personally, the pile of cash I’ve been using as a bed for the past year has gotten just uncomfortably large, so I look forward to it shrinking to comfortable levels.