Design by Brighton Kamen

When thinking of things that can ruin a child’s life, there is a generally accepted list of things to watch out for. Crack cocaine. PCP. That sticky icky. Some other things that aren’t drug-related. But last week, something worse than all of those combined hit the streets: college rejection letters.

Hands trembling, potential Yellow Jackets around the globe excitedly tore open their envelopes to find a sobering surprise. Every letter began with the same “Unfortunately…” beneath the GT letterhead, leading into a detailed list of reasons for denial and why the applicant’s soul is destined for an eternity of damnation in the fiery depths of hell.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Nicole Trout, mother of a prospective student. “Our son graduated high school with a 4.0. class president, captain of the cross country team, all that. Is ‘having a distasteful bowl cut’ reason enough to deny someone entry to college? How selective can Georgia Tech be?”

The answer to Mrs. Trout’s questions? Yes and very. In an unprecedented move, Tech rejected every single applicant.

“In recent years, there has been a trend of institutions becoming more and more competitive,” said Rick Clark, director of admissions, on the decision. “We are proud to say that we are the first university in the world with a 0 percent acceptance rate. We are, indisputably, the most selective institution in the world.”

This won’t just boost Tech’s reputation as a high-level learning institution; It will have positive impacts on the campus across the board.

“A major pain point on our campus is the state of our freshman dorms,” said D. Scott Jones, assistant VP of construction. “With no incoming freshmen next year, we will have the opportunity to begin construction on our outdated facilities with no interruptions.”

The plan, not coincidentally, fits into Tech’s “Do Construction on Every Single Part of Campus” initiative. Including the freshman dorms,  Jones plans to have over 75 percent of Tech’s campus under construction by Fall 2018.