Photo by Leo’s Oscar

In light of all the controversy surrounding the Office of Student Integrity (OSI) this past year, it was decided by the new head of the department, Bertha Wright,  that the only way to curtail student incidents is to eliminate alcohol from Tech campus.

Wright argued that in several of the cases presented in front of OSI and Undergraduate Judiciary Cabinet (UJC) this past year were either directly or indirectly caused by students under the influence of alcohol. By eliminating the catalyzing factor, the number of student transgressions is expected to sharply decrease.

According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), four out of five college students drink, and about half of students who drink also consume alcohol through unsafe binge drinking.

Additionally, NIAAA states than more than 690,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking, and more than 97,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape.

Alcohol is also known to increase the likely hood for students to become injured, up the number of academic problems and exacerbate health problems.

With the elimination of alcohol from campus, Wright hopes that students will be much safer and happier at Tech, and she will see less of them in her office.

Disclaimer: This is part of our April Fool’s wraparound and is in no way factual.